Magaluf, WTF…

Magaluf has never struck me as the sort of place I’d like to visit. It’s sort of like a version of ‘Escape from New York’ set on a Spanish island where the only Spaniards are the people in charge of pumping stomachs and where custom dictates that god-awful techno be blared at excruciating volumes in order to mask the sound of knuckles being dragged across the Punta Balena pavement. Not really my scene. Perhaps I’m getting old.

I’m going to assume you all have some familiarity with this episode before proceeding; if you don’t, then go educate yourself. The side-aching twist is that this girl was promised a ‘holiday’ in exchange for her labours, but it transpires that a ‘holiday’ is the just another name for a shit cocktail.

Surely this is grounds for prosecution? If I were to propose a trade by which I promise to pay three thousand pounds for a new television, and then at the last moment reveal that ‘three thousand pounds’ is simply a name I have given to my hamster, I am sure that Currys would then consider our agreement void. Conversely, if Currys were to reveal that ‘Samsung UE65H8000” was actually a name they’d given to a half-eaten pickle sandwich, I would seek to press charges. Which is probably what this girl should do. The idea that this person knowingly entered into some contract between a number fully informed and cogent parties is so patently preposterous that I might just laugh. HA!   There, I did it.

The girl in question has now suffered the further ignominy of having her image summarily wanked over by thousands after being published in the national press. The Sun have make a lot of money covering the story, The Mail have made a lot of money wringing their hands over this the story, and in a display of hypocrisy of the sort that only the Guardian are capable of, the Guardian will make a little bit of money complaining about the Sun’s coverage of a story Guardian readers would otherwise have forgotten about. The commentary thus far seems centred on establishing who is disgusted by what, which I personally find disgusting as all hell. I highly doubt this girl bargained on quite this much attention at the outset.

Various uncharitable labels have been attached to this person, including the word ‘slag’. This seems an inescapable conclusion, unless you consider ‘slag’ to be such a derogatory term that no human being could conceivably merit it. A little bit like a racial slur.

My very informal definition of what constitutes a ‘slag’ is a girl who sucks a dozen dicks a day. But this is only because this description holds a certain poetic appeal; ‘suck a dozen dicks a day’ is a fun thing to say out loud. Try it a few times if you doubt that. That aside, the description has no real basis in reality. No-one, I had assumed, really sucks a dozen dicks a day.

Well, this girl made a mockery of that assumption by sucking two dozen dicks in a timespan which I will assume was a lot less than a day. I haven’t watched the video, and haven’t set eyes on the pictures aside from the occasionally thumbnail being thrust upon me by an over-eager internet.

I think the problem with this label is that some people have difficulty distinguishing between a large propensity to have sex and a limitless one, and so take the view that it is nearly impossible to rape someone who has been deemed a ‘slag’ because consent is something a slag has already given, by virtue of the fact that a slag is a slag. Fucked up, right?

We need another word to describe a sexually promiscuous woman. ‘Harlot’ seems to carry a similar connotation, as does ‘whore’, ‘trollop, ‘tart’, ‘strumpet’. In fact, pretty much every word of this sort suffers from this problem. I have decided that ‘strumpet’ is probably the least abrasive of these words, but that’s hardly saying a lot.

Another frequently-made assertion is that if a man were to do the same thing, he would not be called a slag, he would instead be hailed as a king! This point is so often made, and by so many people, that I can’t see how it could possibly be true. Perhaps it is true in Magaluf, which is a good reason to never go there. Perhaps it is true for most of the country, but none of my friends hail manwhores as kings. For the most part they agree with me; that nightclubs are, by and large, frequented by insufferable meatheads who lack any respect for women’s bodily autonomy, and by women who have resigned themselves to the notion that bodily autonomy is some sort of exotic luxury.

‘Carnage Magaluf’ have now achieved some measure of notoriety (and apparently a 10% increase in bookings) thanks to this episode. They insist that the girl gave her full informed consent before sucking two dozen dicks. Which exactly what I would advise them to say, were I the head of their PR department. And the fucking antichrist.

A clue should lie in the name they choose for their company. ‘Carnage’ is a word used to describe something unbelievably violently messy. ‘Carnage’ is where people get hospitalised. ‘Carnage’ is the aftermath of a suicide attack on a train station. If you are the sort of cretin who desires their night out to be as absolutely mental as possible, perhaps this is desirable. Perhaps the rest of your existence is that tedious. For the remainder I would advise that, should you be invited to an evening of drinks entitled ‘Carnage’ or ‘Massacre’ or ‘Pillage’, you should probably decline.  Actually, if you are the sort of person who frequents mass orgies, and you get invited to a mass orgy with a name like that, you should certainly decline.

While I’m on the subject of words, generally speaking: You do not ‘tap that’, chaps; ‘tapping’ is something you do to an as-yet unexploited mineral or oil deposit, or to a downed enemy in order to ensure that he really is dead. Neither do you ‘hit’, ‘destroy’, or ‘ruin’, unless you are a fucking dick. Furthermore, when you beat someone on FIFA 14 by a three-goal margin, it is not ‘rape’. You fucking dick.

I doubt that what took place constitutes statutory gang-rape; consent is rather a prickly issue when you’ve been plied with a fucking tsunami of shit booze. Whatever the case, I am quite sure that those responsible for ‘Carnage Magaluf’ should be made to apologise immediately. And in the preceding sentence, I used a special definition of the word ‘apologise’; I really mean that they should be made to fight Gregor Clegane to the death.


Until next week.


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